I am so excited to tell you how I have it all figured out. This parenting thing is a breeze and I have it completely in my control. And I am going to give you MY personal checklist on what it means to be a good parent and how to do it exactly like me!

Wait, what? You don't believe me? OH wait, I don't either. Every once in awhile you need a swift kick in the knee caps to bring you back down to reality. I don't have it all figured out, nor should I have it all figured out. But I do know one thing...I was chosen to parent these 4 kiddos that call me mama (and a few extra that are "adopted") for a reason. God is using me to lead them by example. To train them up to better HIS kingdom. Not MY household.

I am genuinly scared of so called "parenting" books. Seems silly right? I mean we all could use a little manual to help us in our days with our nuggets who just spilled an entire gallon of milk on your carpet you just had washed. Or tossed cookies in your freshly washed Sedan. You can decide which type. What is the point of doing this day in and day out? Is there REALLY a purpose for it? Finally I read a book that had me thinking outside of the box. Like, it really made me stop and take an outward look to the inner life that we are living.

OR you can enter to win your own personal copy! I suggest you do both! If you win, it would make a perfect gift for a friend or relative! You must be at least 18 years or older and a U.S. or Canada resident to enter. Entering is easy! See the rafflecopter below!

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Disclosure (in accordance with the FTC's 16 CFR, Part 255: " Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and testimonials in Advertising") Many thanks to Propeller Consulting LLC for providing this prize for the giveaway. Choice of winners and opinions are 100% my own and NOT influenced by monetary compensation. I did receive a sample of the product in exchange for this review and post

I used to wonder how people knew that God was truly speaking to them. I mean, come on now. I know He is THE almighty, but how do you really know it was Him? It clicked one day, God speaks to us in our own personal ways. He knows how to stay connected to you. You need not worry about this. For me...God speaks to me in lyrics. It is as if these are love songs written especially for me. There are mornings where I will wake up and I cannot get certain lyrics out of my mind. I end up playing that song over and over till I have fallen on my knees. Arms stretched far above my head. Face up towards the sky.

You see in my deepest and darkest moments God is near.

I have been secretly dealing with PTSD since my traumatic birth of Olivia (you can read about it HERE) I have pushed it aside. And then the hysto came and went. That is when the depression kicked in.  Not every day. But off and on, until it peaked more recently. I am in mourning over the fact I am baron. I cannot conceive even if I wanted to and although my doctor said this is perfectly normal, I can't help but feel isolated and alone. I feel like I lost a big piece of me that day. I guess, technically I did.

I am really good at putting on a smiling face.
Pushing it all aside.
I am very upfront about most things. But this has been hard.
I placed these feelings on the backburner.

I am isolating myself.
I feel bitter.
Alone.
Scared.
Uncertain.
Different.

I cry. A lot.

I am so thankful for the tiny people I get to be with day in and day out. But I am filled with sadness as they experience new things. As they sprout before my very eyes and excitedly tell me how old they will be 2 years from now. I will never experience that new baby smell of my OWN child. I am a weirdo that actually likes the smell of the soap in the hospital. It reminds me of the joy that those rooms brought me as I looked into the eyes of my children for the first time. Said hello. Whispered their name. Said thank you to God.

My youngest is experiencing all sorts of newness. But her new is my last. And it is breaking my heart a bit each day. Will this be the last day she lets me snuggle her? Will this be the final diaper I change? What if she doesn't want me to carry her, or God forbid...let's go of my hand?

We have a new little one joining our extended family in the next month. I am overjoyed and hurting all at once. So happy for them, but sad for us. I am excited for the next chapter that life has to bring. But grasping onto strings while trying to pull myself upright.

The day has come where we are preparing our house for another family. We are in paint mode, purge mode, project mode and packing mode. My home is a tornado and I am gasping for air. 11 years. We have lost 4 babies in this house. We have given birth to 4 babies, while in this house. We took it from a terribly unkempt shell and transformed it into a beautiful home. I am so excited for bigger spaces. New memories and making new friends. But scared that the square footage will distance us. Separate and move us in different directions.

I have realized change is hard for me! But God spoke to me tonight...


I hadn't listened to Gungor in a really long time. If you haven't heard of them it's a really awesome Christian band and the lyrics are deep.

I wept as I listened and thanked Him. For I know He was with me. He is lifting me out of my sadness. Working within me. I finally got the courage to go to my doctor today. I am finally getting the help I should have gotten a few years ago. It's funny because I have been begging God to be my strength...and there was the song He sang to me. I just had to stop and listen. He knows my pain. I am not alone. I have Jesus.

All of me, loves all of you. Love your curves and all your edges. All your perfect imperfections. Give your all to me, I'll give my all to you. Your my end and my beginning. Even when I lose I'm winning.

WOW...John John. (John Legend and I are on first name basis.) Could he have said it any better? This is the first love song in a long time that stabs me in the heart with such penetrating truth I fall over out of breath and tears streaming. I couldn't have written it any better if I tried. Cause you know what...love is just that. Giving your all to 1 person. Through the highs, lows and the toe stubbing trials. I give my all to this 1 person. Risking it all. See love is beautiful and ugly at the same time. Unfortunately that dates all the way back to the very beginning of our existence. In the garden. Eyes were opened to shame, anger and disbelief when it was meant for us to feel only elation and happy feelings.

My husband and I have been married for going on 9 years. HOLY MOLY...I had to do math there! We have been together for 12. WOW. Shocked again! Time flies when your having fun, I tell ya!


With that we have shared moments of joy (the greatest being our 4 blessings) and also had some of our roughest moments (the hardest was the loss of 4 babies). We have loved each other through sickness and health, as he watched me almost lose my life after I brought a life INTO this world. He nursed me through surgeries, through late nights of not being able to breath and rushing me to the hospital on a whim (I am a severe asthmatic). I was holding his hand as the ambulance came when he tore his meniscus during a softball game. We have come head to head with his parents on religion (We are non-denominational but he comes from a very catholic family.) This has been our one and only battle that has caused us the most riffs in our marriage. Which is truly sad if you think about it! In the beginning when we were finding our footing we fought a fight that wasn't our battle...but someone elses "thought on how we should be living our married life." The first few years with this subject were rough. Although we were on the same page, these were outside influences that made it difficult for us to be happy with our decisions. Now, we just laugh about it and give away any books or pamphlets that are "gifted" to us. Our love is cemented and has been made stronger by the trials and tribulations that shaped us. Our love is life giving to the other person as we share in the triumphs and elated moments. "To love him with all your heart, with all your understanding and with all your strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself is more important than all burnt offerings and sacrifices.” Mark 12:33 


The day I said yes to Paul asking me for my hand in marriage, as we stood on pier 62/63 in Seattle. I jumped in with my whole self. Not feet first, but heart. I prayed for him to come into my life and I fell in love with him over a bag of peanut butter M&M's. We are the most opposite people you will ever meet. And he completes me. He is my best friend. And when we wed, we took our vows seriously. We signed a covenant. NOT a contract. We have watched family and friends separate and even divorce. We have seen others hearts hurt from wondering eyes. In a way, I feel it has made our love stronger.

My children are my everything. But my priorities are in this order: 
1. God {"'I am the first and I am the last, And there is no God besides Me." Isaiah 44:6}
2. Paul
3. Emily Grace, Noah, Ava Faith and Olivia Joy

We pray together. We laugh together. We go to bed every night together. We rush home to be with one another and we have come together to be one solid unit. We love together. We parent together. We are friends with each other. The devil can do his darnedest to come between us but our foundation has been cemented with God being the core of our relationship. This was absolute best thing we could have started our relationship with. As we have grown stronger in our faith...we have grown stronger in our relationship. "Owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law" Romans 13:8


I pray your day is blessed! I leave you with my favorite video on love...

I am my toughest critic...but He. He is my biggest fan. I glance at my reflection in the mirror. I stare at the image of the person that once was. My reflection shows skin that is falling, eyes that carry the weight of the dark circles and bags...extra overnight "just because" luggage. Legs that used to be lean, toned and in tip top shape. A belly that once had the most perfect belly button which sat upon the flattest of toned, tanned, flawless tummies. All while He stares down and whispers..."See ME. You are beautiful. You are perfection."


I rock my daughter tenderly in my arms. Her head resting upon my shoulder. I stroke her hair. Rub her back. Kiss her neck and breath her in. I watch her back rise and fall against me and I am in awe. This miracle of life that lies before me. The sweetness that is enveloped within a tiny. Perfect. Amazingly awesome little package. Gently my arms wrap around her as I squeeze her in closer. Closing my eyes and taking in these precious moments. I then hear His voice as He is whispering..."This is how you make ME feel, my child."


Watching my daughter as she reads to her siblings. She scrunches up her nose and her whole face turns into a grin. Her eyes sparkle as she speaks with great animation and my heart overflows with such joy, that I feel as though my heart could explode. I hear the soft whisper again..."My cup is overflowing with my love for YOU."


We wait in the car as we crank up the music and my son does his silly dance. Showing me his newest and coolest moves. We make faces at each other and we laugh hysterically. Light hearted and carefree, just my son and me. "Hear ME through the music." He whispers.


Snuggling in close, she cracks a joke. She makes a silly face and then she kisses me on the tip of my nose. She holds me tight and I hold her even tighter just as I hear Him whisper through her words "I love you to the moon and back."


God gave me the greatest gifts one can only imagine. To draw me closer to HIM. It was in this way He shows me HOW He loves me. He is all around. Omnipresent and in every detail of every moment. He is in the mundane. He is in the joy filled. He is in the daily and He is in the spur of the moments, the fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants. The out of the ball park and take a left turns. Wherever I go and whatever I do MY God reminds me, that HE is always with me. That I am important and that I am the daughter of the King of Kings.


When I look into the eyes of my children, I see the reflection of God staring back at me. When I hold my bundles tight, I feel his warmth and his embrace. And when we say I love you, I hear His words shouting back "I love you more, I love you most but more importantly. I love you always."


Look past the stretch marks, upon the once perfect skin. The crows feet and the dark circles upon the once smooth and clear surfaces of your face. See the beauty that God sees and know that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. Your lines and your marks, they tell a story. A life filled with adventures. Sporadic fearless, carefree moments. And these lines, they tell a super sappy love story about how YOU make this world a better place. You. Are. Beautiful.

I'm Emmy, I'm 35, and I'm infertile.

Wait, let me back up.  I'm Emmy.  Aleisha has been so sweet to allow me to invade her space for the day.  I own Much Ado About You {where I used to sell printed day planners, and now I just sell printables}, I occasionally blog {Confesstions of a Paper Freak}, and I incessantly Instagram {@itsjustemmy}.  I am married to my high school sweetheart and as of this year we have been together for more than half our lives.

Almost 11 years ago I got pregnant for the first time.  Nathan and I were so excited, and immediately started planning that child's future.  We were thinking of names... wondering if it would be a boy or a girl... hoping its due date of December 26th would not mean we were going to have a Christmas baby.

But just a few days later I started bleeding heavily, and knew in an instant that that baby was gone.

We had only just begun trying to get pregnant, but I had so many friends experiencing infertility and I begged God to spare us from that roller coaster.

Our doctor told us that since we were so early in the pregnancy I would not need a D & C, and that technically I could get pregnant as soon as my next cycle.

Which I did.

That pregnancy was such a relief, and I vividly remember thanking God that I was never going to have to walk that long and painful road of infertility.


A year after Beau was born we decided to start trying for a second baby.  We wanted four, so we thought we'd better get going!

God had different plans for our family. 

The next six years were spent going from one doctor's appointment to the next... from one surgery to the next... all in an effort to figure out why my young and seemingly healthy body was not working.

I have Endometriosis, a condition that basically destroys your body from the inside out.  During my final surgery my doctor made the painful decision to remove both of my non-functioning fallopian tubes, hoping it would increase the chance of my third and final IVF {invitro-fertilization} treatment being successful.

The next month we had our final IVF procedure.  It failed.  We were done.

We were physically {well mostly me on that one}, emotionally, and financially spent.  The chance of a natural pregnancy was eliminated with the removal of my tubes.  I was officially STERILE.  It is still strange to say those words.  I am a woman that cannot do what I was created to do... bear children.  That is a very strange reality to be faced with.

I spent seven dark years in the thick of my infertility {I say "my" infertility because the issues were mine... with another woman my husband could have had more children... more salt in the wounds}.  For some of those years Nathan and I were not on the same page.  He didn't understand my desperation for a child when I already was a mom.  Those years I struggled with a deep loneliness that I had never known.  It is so hard to explain what infertility feels like to someone that has never experienced it, but the bottom line is... IT SUCKS.

However, God also used those seven years to challenge my character and bring me to a place of total trust and reliance on His plan for my life.  I came to a point where I had to say, "God, I love you and I trust you, and I know that {while very different from mine} Your plan is the best plan for my life.  So even if I never have another baby I will praise you and be thankful for whatever it is that you call me to do."

And I really was at peace.  Without tubes I no longer had to live in two week cycles, wondering if each late period was the one.  I had an incredible eight year old that was the joy of my life, a loving, supportive husband, a thriving business... life was good.

Now since I have already babbled on for quite some time {and probably lost most of you} I will leave this next part of the story short and sweet {if you would like to read the whole story, you can find it here}.  Through miraculous circumstances, in March of 2011 we brought home the most beautiful baby girl that looks nothing like us.



And in the instant that I met her I understood every no that God had placed in my path. 

If you are in a season of not understanding the circumstances of your life, please be encouraged that someday you may understand and even appreciate the painful path that you are walking. 

Since experiencing infertility and adoption I have a heart for encouraging hurting women.  Several months ago I felt a calling on my life to do something to help other women that are experiencing similar trials, and the Choose Joy event was born.


Choose Joy is a one-day conference in Southern California for women and couples that are experiencing infertility and/or desire to grow their families through adoption.  I have somehow convinced several other women from all over the country to come and be a part of this event.  We have speakers on topics such as "God's Heart for the Hurting; Waiting Hurts, Waiting Perfects", "Having a Heart of Hope: Overcoming the Hurt of Infertility", "The Good, the Bad, and The Ugly of International Adoption", and much, much more.  My desire is for this to be a day of connection and community, and for women to open their minds to the plan that God has for their family.     

The event will include a luncheon and a dessert, and at the end we will be raffling off a cash prize to help someone grow their family.

Tickets are on sale for $30 through the 25th of January.  {After that the price goes up to $40, so don't delay!}  Please visit the website for all the details on the location and schedule, bios on each speaker, and to register for the event. 

If you aren't experiencing infertility, statistics say that someone you know is.  Please pass this website on to your friends or family that could use some support. 

Thanks for reading my story.
XOXO,
Emmy