It's about to get personal...12:00:00 AM
This is a "birth" announcement like no other. Meaning there is no announcement of joy and bliss...but I am weaving my way through uncharted waters. Filled with emotion, gratitude, uncertainty and pain. Since having Olivia Joy I have dealt with health issues as you know. If you are a new reader you can read Olivia's story HERE. The anxiety from nearly dying haunts me. I knew that there was something more wrong. But just didn't know what it was.
Since my monthly friend came back I have been dealing with extremely heavy periods. Like heavier than I ever have before. I also started passing clots again. But not "normal" sized, more like golf balls. My pain level for most of the month is intense. Which I have learned to hide pretty well. And my stomach bulges out for about 2-3 weeks out of the month as though I am expecting.
Inside of me my body is fighting a war. A battle in which my uterus is losing. The home for which I housed each and every one of my children. Some till they took their first breath and others till they reached the loving arms of our savior. The war is called Adenomyosis. It's exhausting. Painful and rare. Come to find out it is also hereditary. And I just found out my Aunt had it as well. The only way to fully win is by removing the uterus through a partial laparoscopic hysterectomy.
The pain is so intense it will keep you up at night. I find myself irritable, anxious and extremely fatigued. These feelings intensify with each passing week. I am glad to know the culprit of the pain. But scared as I fight it as well. I know that is not of God, to be fearful. I know that in this very moment I need to put my trust and my faith fully in Him. But I will not deny myself of admitting that I am scared. I am scared for the what if's that take over your life knowing you have the choice to live with the intense pain that will only worsen and is already affecting your lifestyle. But also scared of the what if this or that happens if we do the surgery.
I am in mourning. For what was and for what will never happen again. I am blessed beyond measure. I know that each and every one of the squishy faces that kiss me each night are miracles. Wishes that I made into the heavens that were shouted amongst the angels through prayer and through worship. Reciprocated through the first sounds of the ones I love the most.
I am grieving. I am fighting and I plan on winning. This battle will not consume me. It will not dull or tarnish my surface. The scars will heal over time and I pray that my story will work in a way to minister to someone else.
This story is to be continued. But in the meantime I am asking for your prayers.