I used to wonder how people knew that God was truly speaking to them. I mean, come on now. I know He is THE almighty, but how do you really know it was Him? It clicked one day, God speaks to us in our own personal ways. He knows how to stay connected to you. You need not worry about this. For me...God speaks to me in lyrics. It is as if these are love songs written especially for me. There are mornings where I will wake up and I cannot get certain lyrics out of my mind. I end up playing that song over and over till I have fallen on my knees. Arms stretched far above my head. Face up towards the sky.

You see in my deepest and darkest moments God is near.

I have been secretly dealing with PTSD since my traumatic birth of Olivia (you can read about it HERE) I have pushed it aside. And then the hysto came and went. That is when the depression kicked in.  Not every day. But off and on, until it peaked more recently. I am in mourning over the fact I am baron. I cannot conceive even if I wanted to and although my doctor said this is perfectly normal, I can't help but feel isolated and alone. I feel like I lost a big piece of me that day. I guess, technically I did.

I am really good at putting on a smiling face.
Pushing it all aside.
I am very upfront about most things. But this has been hard.
I placed these feelings on the backburner.

I am isolating myself.
I feel bitter.
Alone.
Scared.
Uncertain.
Different.

I cry. A lot.

I am so thankful for the tiny people I get to be with day in and day out. But I am filled with sadness as they experience new things. As they sprout before my very eyes and excitedly tell me how old they will be 2 years from now. I will never experience that new baby smell of my OWN child. I am a weirdo that actually likes the smell of the soap in the hospital. It reminds me of the joy that those rooms brought me as I looked into the eyes of my children for the first time. Said hello. Whispered their name. Said thank you to God.

My youngest is experiencing all sorts of newness. But her new is my last. And it is breaking my heart a bit each day. Will this be the last day she lets me snuggle her? Will this be the final diaper I change? What if she doesn't want me to carry her, or God forbid...let's go of my hand?

We have a new little one joining our extended family in the next month. I am overjoyed and hurting all at once. So happy for them, but sad for us. I am excited for the next chapter that life has to bring. But grasping onto strings while trying to pull myself upright.

The day has come where we are preparing our house for another family. We are in paint mode, purge mode, project mode and packing mode. My home is a tornado and I am gasping for air. 11 years. We have lost 4 babies in this house. We have given birth to 4 babies, while in this house. We took it from a terribly unkempt shell and transformed it into a beautiful home. I am so excited for bigger spaces. New memories and making new friends. But scared that the square footage will distance us. Separate and move us in different directions.

I have realized change is hard for me! But God spoke to me tonight...


I hadn't listened to Gungor in a really long time. If you haven't heard of them it's a really awesome Christian band and the lyrics are deep.

I wept as I listened and thanked Him. For I know He was with me. He is lifting me out of my sadness. Working within me. I finally got the courage to go to my doctor today. I am finally getting the help I should have gotten a few years ago. It's funny because I have been begging God to be my strength...and there was the song He sang to me. I just had to stop and listen. He knows my pain. I am not alone. I have Jesus.