So...this is really happening.

12:18:00 PM

I will never again hold life within me. I will never feel the movement of a tiny being punching, kicking or fluttering about within. The next time I breath in the fresh scent of a newborn baby will be when I celebrate the joys of my friends. The next time I fall asleep with tiny portions of me resting so peacefully upon my when my children decide to welcome preciousness into the world.

The last month I have been processing. ANAL-yzing every thought. Pain. Moment. Yes, I said I was done after Olivia Joy was born...but this is big time. There is no going back after this. I am sad. I am heartbroken and I am also looking forward to the days ahead.

We received the letter from our insurance a few weeks back confirming that in fact I have been approved for my hysterectomy. That it has been deemed medically necessary. By 2 doctors and a table full of people who have reviewed my medical history. That should be "confirming" enough for me right? Well duh, of course it's not! I mean...I am about to lose my baby house. A part of me that housed the most precious gifts I have ever received. A part of me that I wrapped my arms tightly around as we grieved the loss of babies. A part of me that we delicately listened in on as they formed life that I get to watch grow everyday. I often times I REALLY need this? What if I am faking it. Am I faking it? I mean come on now. Is this REALLY necessary? Seems sorta drastic if you ask me.

Some days I wake up and the pain is bearable. I can handle this and I move forward with a smile on my face ready to forge through the day. Other days it's so bad I feel like a sumo wrestler is living within the realms of my abdomen. You know the pains you get when you have to go #2 like REAL bad?! Come on...everyone poops. Don't be shy. That intense "make your eyes water I think I am going to puke" what it feels like majority of the time. Some mornings I wake up feeling so incredibly nauseous I question the possibility I could be pregnant and then LAUGH cause I know damn well that is not possible.

There are days where it takes everything I have to move OFF the couch and wear clothing that doesn't include stretch. I have projects 1/2 finished and no energy to actually complete them. My house is a wreck. I couldn't tell you the last time I truly scrubbed anything and I am nervous that even AFTER the surgery...I won't feel any different. I suffer from headaches more than a few times a week. This has come on in the last month since the increase in pain. And you are a special person if you get to see me with my hair NOT in a pony tail.

Here is a picture of Endo and Adeno. A lot of people ask if its the same. Similar but very different. Endo has the option of removal. Adenomyosis as you can see is WITHIN the tissues of the you see the right picture is svelte and skinny. And what I have my uterine walls are thick and the yuck is filled within the tissues. Making it impossible to be removed. The only way to fix it...hysterectomy. At first we were talking about the option of a Mirena or something along those lines. But with me my pain is not isolated to 1x a month. Because of this it will do nothing for me. I will be in more pain having it inserted than anything. The only cure is to fully remove the baby house.

My surgery is scheduled for October 23rd. My doctor told me I will be down for 2 weeks and recovery will be about 6-8. I was also told to be prepared for constant fatigue for at least the next 3 months. After I had Olivia they told me 3 months of fatigue for my blood ended up being 6. This is one thing I am not looking forward to.

I get many people telling me their stories. Some are good and some are downright scary. Each person is different and recovery will vary from person to person. But this is one of the most common surgeries to date. I am scared. I am nervous about the recovery and I am terrified of anesthesia. I mean I have to get a stupid I.V. and I am terrified of needles! Lord be with us all!

When it comes to dealing with all "this". I am so thankful for those around me. They know I am in pain even when I don't "act" like it. They are supportive and if I were to ask for help I know they would jump at it. My community is incredible and I truly do not know what I would do without them. I even met someone who will be going through surgery in January who oddly enough lives across the river from us in Vancouver. It's wonderful to know you are not alone. As rare as this disease is. It's comforting.

I was telling a friend the other day how I find it funny that I can pray for others, no problem. I pray over my children and will pray over or with a stranger. But when it comes down to ME...I struggle. As though I am not worthy enough. I am at a loss for words. I don't even know where to begin. I am thankful our God knows our innermost thoughts. I find peace in knowing that.

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