First ultra sound
Happy...yet heart broken9:31:00 PM
Today I am having mixed heavy emotions. Today is a day I am so excited about...seeing my nugget on the screen and getting to watch my husbands reaction as he has his first meet and greet. But behind it is also pain. I can't stop thinking about the fact that my dad isn't here (read about it HERE...yes I have never found the energy to write the continued. But hope to one day). He will never get to know that he has another grandchild. He will never get to meet, see, hold or love these individuals I bring into this world and have more love for than anyone can even fathom. I have had a hard time since his death as I had a falling out so to speak with a family member who is hurting and didn't think I should be hurting since I had not been there. Something that was completely not even nearly OK for this person to say or do as they have NO idea what its like to have a father there...then not. Then there...then not. Then. POOF. Gone. Forever. The pain I have to live with inside my heart each day is overwhelming and for someone else to say those feelings are not OK or that I shouldn't be allowed to outwardly grieve the loss of someone I have loved my entire life. Even at the moments he wasn't there or didn't try is so unfair. The song that was played at his funeral is on the radio a lot. Its a song that really honestly couldn't be more perfect. It's Miranda Lambert's Over You. My dad passed in February. A few days shy of Valentines day and 2 weeks before my Birthday. It's hard. It's really weird when you fill out paperwork at the doctors office and the area where you check for your parents you have to fill one in as "deceased". A feeling at age 32, you don't expect. Especially suddenly. I miss him. I miss his voice on the phone when he said "Well. I lo-ove you." I regret that I couldn't put the hurt he caused me, behind us so we could move forward. I regret that he can't be here. That I can't pick up the phone and say "Guess what!". But at the same time I am trying to move forward. I am trying to stay positive, upbeat and smile. I try to not show the pain...and I pray that in some way he IS here. In fact, that he already knows our little nugget. This year has brought a lot of heart wrenching, gut bawling, tear stained moments. BUT. This year is also bringing one of the greatest gifts God could ever give us. I will get the joy of welcoming our newest addition early April. I will get to see a kicking, healthy happy baby on the screen at the very end of November. And I will get to feel more love than I have ever felt in my entire life. For when life hands you lemons...make lemon meringue pie.