Why can't you just be...

8:32:00 PM

Jesus replied "You do not understand now what I am doing but someday you will." John 13:7

I am looking, searching, seeking out that understanding. I need to be patient. My faith is grounded, yet my want and need to know more is crippling. It makes my head spin. It creates turmoil within. The evil one is taking jabs at me, filling my head with thoughts that are not my own. I seek to know Jesus and he steps in my way trying to get me to avoid running into HIS arms. The holy one. Evil will not prevail.

My baby. My boy. My son...he is battling anxiety and depression at a very young age. It is hard. I feel alone most days and don't feel like doing normal things. I want to hide my pain and yet I need to talk about it and cry about it. My frustration is overwhelming me. Dealing day to day is hard. We walk on eggshells. You don't know when it will hit. It is like being sideswiped by a semi-truck going 70 mph. Everything is "perfect". There is laughter, fun, singing and praising and then...BAM. It hits. And it is ugly. Typically there are tears. You watch your child display Jekyll and Hyde before your very eyes. And so far, nothing turns it off. It has ruined birthdays, dinner nights out and family time. It is time consuming, exhausting, mentally and physically draining. You feel stuck and don't know what to do. He has to learn to readapt. It is something his mind and body struggles with...and it is something that breaks me apart inside.

I am not a perfect mom. A perfect wife, friend or person in fact. I sin. Daily. But I am trying. I sin when I look at him and think, "Why can't you just be normal?" How unfair is that? He IS normal. He is fighting a battle that I need to fight beside him. Sometimes it feels like I am his battle. I am the cause. When he comes out of an episode and you see the sweet child you know and love so much, who looks you in the eyes and says "I am so sorry mommy." your heart breaks again. Why am I not fighting for him?

When you see him walking to the car after school with his sister and he is whisper "Thank you Jesus!". He climbs inside and you happily say, "Hi bud! I missed you! How was your day?" and just as an egg hardens in boiling water, so does he. He becomes stiff, rigid and you hear a lot of "harrumphs." And instantly, your heart sinks. You see it not only affects him. It affects you. It affects his sisters, who were just giggles moment before. The car becomes silent and you just want to fold up into a fetal position...and cry. It sucks.

"Is he angry?", is a question I get a lot. Typically, no. For my son, it comes out in extreme sensitivity. HIGH emotions and when he speaks it is mumbles and whines. He goes from happy, life giving and sweet to mopy and sad. This cycle hits off and on throughout a day. There are days where it doesn't hit at all, and you see glimpses of your happy child. Your heart yearns for more. The worst thing you can say to a mom who is struggling is, " is because he is the ONLY boy. I just know it. Poor kid." <---- Homey say what?! Don't, I repeat. DO NOT say that to anyone!

Today it hit us again. It started at 5 in the morning and came on as though he was sick. Yesterday we were elated to find out Noah was moving UP in his reading class. We "thought" we were preparing him with excitement in joy. Little did we know inside was turmoil. It manifests into not feeling good. Sometimes it comes as headaches. His thoughts become OCD and he can't stop thinking about every scenario..."Where will I sit?" "Which kid will have to leave because I am moving in there?" "Which kid will take my place in my class?" "What if they don't have a seat for me?" The thoughts never stop. Once I figured out the problem, I started talking him through it. We then decided for him to go back to school for the rest of the day. He agreed.

On the way walking into the school, "What if they already had snack?" "What if they already sang Happy Birthday to Tomie?" "Will they be in the classroom?" "What if I can't find them." <----- this constant questions when a routine is off are draining me. Constantly trying to keep up the pep. Always cheerily, helping steer him through it.

For us we decided on play therapy. We are open minded if down the road he needs to try other things. BUT our therapist/psychologist is confident she will be able to help him. He is excited to go. He asks if it is time for HIS play date. I am praying that God will shine a light down our dark tunnel. That the fog will dissipate and I can start to see the end. We also use marbles for incentives. When he has a good day. You see him say something nice, be helpful etc. BUT he is not allowed to ASK for marbles! They can be turned in for time on in the iPod etc. 1 marble is 1 minute. We also have him pray about it and read devotions. IN FACT his new favorite is Jesus Today by Sarah Young! It is perfectly written in a way that he can understand. He feels accomplished when he gets to tell us what he learned.

I am thrilled to be giving a copy of Jesus Today away to 1 lucky reader. 357 pages of pure gobble it up goodness. Each devotion is based off of scripture and was written in a way that it is like Jesus is speaking directly to them! {you may recognize the author's name as being the worldly famous author of Jesus Calling! My oldest reads Jesus Calling: 365 Devotions for Kids every morning!}

It is simple! You must be at least 18 years or older and a U.S. or Canadian resident only.

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Disclosure (in accordance with the FTC's 16 CFR, Part 255: " Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and testimonials in Advertising") Many thanks to Propeller Consulting LLC for providing this prize for the giveaway. Choice of winners and opinions are 100% my own and NOT influenced by monetary compensation. I did receive a sample of the product in exchange for this review and post.

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