a year later

So you remember that one time...

12:00:00 AM

So you remember that one time, when I had a hysterectomy?! Yea. That sucked! I mean, just keeping it real! Today marks 1 year. A whole year of over the top emotions. I have days that I am like "I DID IT! I am FREE!" and other days where I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. As the one year mark approached I am grateful. Eternally thankful for the chance at living again. Yes, you heard that right. I never realized how much pain I was in. How miserable I truly was. I no longer have to stock up monthly *until the girls get older!* I don't have sporadic mood changes and I look at the world around me with fresh new perspective.

Perspective. Gosh is that a mouthful or what?

My heart aches. The emotions are raw and the scars are still prevalent inside and out. The pain shifted from physical to emotional. I struggle as I watch my 2 1/2 year old hit new milestones, knowing I will never see these milestones again. There is pain in knowing I will never have late night snuggle sessions with a sweet smelling, soft skinned newborn. No skin to skin. No more nursing. I fight back tears when family announces pregnancies. SO excited for them, but mourning my own loss. Um, it was just a damn uterus. It was tired, it was run ragged and it was wonky. It HAD to go. I am grateful I no longer have to deal with all THAT...but it was also an ending to an era.

I am shifting my thoughts to the joys that come from growing children and away from no longer bringing home a squishy faced baby. We were able to go to Disneyland. We will be able to take more trips and create new experiences. I will get to watch my kids ride horses this Summer. We are planning on moving to a new house and I am excited about what comes with age. Watching my daughter earn the spirit stick for cheering at the game. Seeing my son kick another ball into the goal. Watching the joy of sisters as they form a bond that can never be replaced.

My tummy is flat now. I lost 4 pant sizes since my surgery. I can see my hip bones again! I thought they were long gone. My scars are healing nicely but are a constant reminder. A reminder of new seasons. Fresh found strength. I have phantom pains. As if my body from time to time relives what the hurt was like. I forget sometimes that I am now barren.

Weird word.
Weird truth.

I was literally dying inside and I had no idea. I am so lucky to have 4 healthy kids and have only lost 4 unborn babes. What I never knew is my odds were against me living with adenomyosis. I thought I was unhealthy and overweight and it was my fault...really it was because of that pie shaped uterus. It was holding onto everything. Weighing me down. Bursting from the inside. Creating so much hurt and so much pain.

I know that the pain in my heart from the yearning and the ache will pass with time. A friend told me it's OK to mourn. Unlike her hysto which she fought for 3 years to get, mine was taken from me without me even being able to wrap my mind around it. Like all things, this pain will pass. I am strong and I will get through this. The month of October has been hard. I realized the other day I don't remember much from last year at this time. It is like my October of last year was erased. Zip, zilch, nada. Not this year, darn it I will remember all of it!

Would I recommend a hysterectomy to others? I get asked this a lot.
It depends. Do you need one? I wouldn't recommend it unless you actually need it. Sure it is convenient to never see Aunt Flo again. But you still need an annual (hopeful these will decrease as well!) and really my tummy will never look the same again. The scars are small, but there are lots of them.

Am I glad I did it?
Well, I didn't have any other options! I am sad, but glad. I get to see my children grow. I get to be their mom. All of this was almost taken from me. Had it not been for steadfast hands I wouldn't be here to say that.

How can I help a friend going through this?
BE present. Be open to listen. Validate their feelings. Bring donuts and coffee and show them you are thinking of them. I know for me, had it not been for friends I would have been lost.

Some hysto recoveries are easy. Others, are not. Please remember this is major surgery. If you are preparing for a hysto, finish projects before! This way they are not "staring you in the face" as you recover! Let others help. This is super hard for me! I am one that "can do it myself". Let others bring meals. Be open and honest to friends. Let others in. <---- meaning let them hear your heart. LISTEN TO THE DOCTORS when they tell you to lay low and recover. If you do too much too fast, you can pop internal stitches and more. You can set yourself back weeks or even months! BE smart! Be present and find God in the quiet moments.

I am learning to jump back in the saddle. I have a new vision. I am retraining my thoughts, my goals. Currently we are trying to convince my husband we need a puppy! Oooh or another kitten! Call me crazy but I love me some bebe's!! Adoption could be in our future. Or maybe not. I just don't know, but I am learning to be content in the now. I try to hide my pain. Most days I do a fantastic job, but then there are other days where I just can't. And God is teaching me that this is OK too.

Thank you for being so supportive in the last year. Your messages have meant the world to me. For now I look to my blessings, as these 4 bring me the greatest joy in life.

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