In memory

A letter to my father

9:57:00 AM


 Dear Ben,

It's hard to believe its been 2 years since you left us. They say it gets easier with time. I can say I have my good days. But I still have my bad days. The holiday's were hard. I randomly was driving home from Target and burst into tears. For no apparent reason. I pulled over at a friends house where she let me blubber on and we came to the root of my tears. You. My heart aches for what could have been and for what you are missing. Does God let you see into our lives?

This year has been filled with the biggest happy tears one could imagine as our family became complete last April. Did you get to meet Olivia Joy before I did? She is the most amazing little person I have ever laid eyes on. She has your chin. Your high cheek bones and your golden skin. My mom says she is identical to me in every way. From the top of her head to the tips of her toes. Only difference is her striking blue eyes. Just like yours.

Were you beside God as He helped me to be strong, the day I almost joined you? I thought I could hear you. I was so scared. The thought of leaving my husband, my children and my 12 hour old baby girl terrified me. I praise God I get to watch them grow. I am thankful for the strength. For the guidance and for the understanding.

Emily Grace is starting to ask about you. She knows the song that makes me think about you. Whenever she hears it, she softly touches my arm. Her silent understanding.

I went through pictures yesterday, the anniversary of your passing. I have been searching for the picture when you walked Aunt Laurie down the isle. You were beaming. You had the best smile. Its my absolute favorite picture of you. But I haven't been able to find it since you left us. I will keep searching. I came across a picture of you sitting in your arm chair when you got home from work. You were greeted with kisses by your favorite dog, Tasha. Its a great picture of you. Noah lined up all the pictures I pulled out on the coffee table. Looking at each one. He asked why he never gets to meet you. But before I could respond, he gently said. That's right. This is your daddy that went up to heaven. I smiled at him.

Did I ever tell you the story of the VERY FIRST Father's day after we started keeping touch? I wanted to get you something. But since I had never had a "dad" before. I didn't know what to get. I had seen a commercial for ties, and thought that was the thing you were supposed to buy your dad's on Father's day. So that was what I set out to find. The perfect tie! In all honesty I cannot remember what I got you. I just remember it vividly!

I miss you.

Are you there watching us? Can you see what we are doing? Yes, I am sure you have noticed my addiction to coffee these days! Do you wish you could be here? I think of you often.

I am sad that my kids will only know the memories of you. I wish they could see your eyes twinkle. See that we have matching freckles. Hear the sound of your voice.

Brenda and I chat from time to time. I am so thankful she is so kind. So gentle. So caring and so understanding. She always puts my feelings before hers and I am in awe of her strength and her grace. She reminds me each time we talk that you loved me very much. That your number one regret was not being "there" for me. She is amazing and I see why you loved her so much.

The kids need me. But I felt the urge to write you. I hope you can read my words from heaven.

Well, I love you.

Love, Leish

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